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Do you know the three pitfalls and three secrets of marital conflict?

A couple came for counseling in my office. Their biggest source of pain was that “we cannot communicate anymore!” Every attempt to communicate would end up with yelling and angry outburst towards each other. To avoid conflict, the wife avoided talking to the husband and suppressed her feelings towards him. However, she would then explode in unexpected moments and couldn’t stop the vicious cycle. Similarly, to avoid arguing in front of the kids, the husband started suppressing his needs and tried to resolve everything by himself. The result was that he felt very lonely in his marriage, which made him vulnerable to extramarital affairs. It’s such a tragedy – to be married but unable to connect or support each other. Both felt lonely and sad under the same roof.
This article has two parts. In part one, we summarize the results of marital studies regarding the three traps of conflicts between couples. In part two we provide three tips for effective communication between couples according to research results.

Traps are intuitive reactions that we use to try and solve problems, but end up escalating the conflict and leaving us with unresolved emotions. The three traps are:

1. Arguing about the facts

2. Complaining about each other

3. Teaming up with others

Arguing about the facts is our intuitive reaction. When the husband complains: “How many times have I told you to clean up our home, but you never listened?” The wife’s first reaction might be: “Can’t you see that I just sorted out our clothes last weekend?” We tend to use facts to prove that the other person is wrong, and that we are misunderstood. We think that explaining the facts will help clarify the misunderstanding and enhance problem resolution. This is what we do in the work place, but it doesn’t work in marriage.

The second trap is complaining about each other. When you throw a bomb at me, I throw another bomb back at you. We bomb each other and both become deeply wounded. For example, when the husband complains, “You don’t want to go to the gym with me,” the wife reacts immediately: “You don’t like to go shopping with me either.” We point out each other’s mistakes: “You don’t care, you are inconsiderate.” As a result, both feel hurt and started doubting if they married the wrong partner. This reaction brings out the worst in each partner and escalates conflicts to become disasters.

The third trap is to team up with others to prove that one is not at fault. For example, when the husband mentions to the wife that she might have shopped too much lately, the wife gets defensive immediately and says, “No, my mom went with me. She didn’t say that I spent too much. My best friend shops more than me, etc.” Or something like: “I bought all the stuff for our kids and your mom, not for myself.” In sum, the reaction is to find someone else to support that I did not make any mistake. I was right. You misunderstood me.

All three traps above involve arguing about who is right and who is wrong. We all wish to prove our blamelessness and undercut the other’s accusations.

However, the key issue for couple’s conflicts is usually not the superficial event or who is at fault, but the partner’s emotional hurt. Therefore, arguments about facts or reason often end up with both sides speaking their legitimate reasons, but no one listening. There is no common ground for the two parallel arguments, which results in two unhappy and frustrated defenders.

If couples are willing to learn about heart-to-heart communication, researchers have found that 3 C’s are the keys to effective communication.

Dr. Gottman, an American psychologist who specializes in marital studies, observed the process of couples’ communication during their fights. From their first three minutes of interaction, he could predict with 96 percent accuracy whether this couple would divorce in the future. How we start our communication predicts the success rate of our communication efforts. Therefore, a gentle approach is the first thing we need to learn in conflict resolution. Research offers 3 C’s to help couples with “soft starting” for effective communication.

The First C Stands for Calm

Conflict comes from different perspectives and different needs. To resolve the conflict, partners need to be prepared to accept the emotions triggered during the process. Therefore, make yourself calm and ready to listen to different perspectives or attacks. Start with a soft and gentle approach. When the other partner reacts emotionally, you can be aware of your own feelings and learn to soothe yourself. For example, imagine you’re getting a ticket from the police and trying to plead for an easy or exempt penalty. No matter how the police blamed you or gave you a hard time, you would respond with a soft voice and gentle attitude. Knowing your purpose, you could tolerate what he said and not be triggered.

The Second C is Curiosity

It’s important to be curious about your spouse. When he or she is angry and blaming you, be curious about what triggered them, what made them so angry, and what they need in such circumstances. This curiosity will prevent us from seeking who is right, who is wrong, or who is more hurt. Instead, we pay attention to what they are trying to express, what makes them think this way, and what they want at that moment. When our focus is on the other partner instead of on ourselves, the communication will be smoother. Curiosity makes us want to understand what the other is thinking and why. This is more like our attitude during romantic dating. We want to get to know the other person more, instead of being defensive to protect ourselves. This ability can be restored through couple’s therapy. The marital therapist acts as mediator and protector for both partners, so that both feel safe and are willing to open their hearts and try to communicate again. Marital therapies are effective because couples can at least experience productive communication again, and the therapist’s curiosity helps both partners explore the thoughts, feelings, and needs that they could not reach during their fights. Sometimes they can even understand how the differences in their families of origin contribute to the couple’s unconscious conflicts.

The Third C Stands for Caring

When one cares for and doesn’t want to hurt the other, they speak with a softer tone. They care to ask, “What can I do to help you?” They care less about whose fault it is. During romantic dating, usually men try to comfort women whenever there is a fight. That’s what we mean by caring. No matter who caused the fight, now that you feel hurt and sad, it makes me sad too. I will comfort you first and make you happy. I’m happy when you are happy. What bothers me is that I made you feel hurt, and I want you to be happy with me. However, if the woman becomes “spoiled” because of such interactions and often tortures the man, no man can stand it forever. They will end up separated. In a loving marriage, when one partner is hurt, the other’s best response is to help the spouse stop hurting and calm down, not to argue about whose fault it is. Once the partner is calm, we can continue with problem solving. The helpful attitude when one’s partner is hurt should be, “What can I do to help you feel better?”

All 3 C’s demonstrate caring more about the other partner’s feelings than about being reasonable and right. These responses are like a parent’s response to their child coming home injured. A mother will hug the child and help him clean the wound instead of inquiring whose fault it is and the details about the wound. The hurt person needs care and company first to feel safe and not alone in pain. When they calm down, then they will talk about the story rationally.

We can take time to reflect and prepare ourselves when there’s no conflict going on. Do we often fall into the three traps of couples’ conflicts? Could we practice the 3 C’s to become calm, curious, and caring partners? Awareness brings us new choices, and new choices bring change to our relationships. These tips help us grow into mature men and women with high emotional intelligence.

(This article was inspired by Arthur Nielsen’s book A Roadmap for Couple Therapy)

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